143 Days

Dear Grandma

It has been 143 days since you died. In some ways, 143 days seems like a really long time. 143 days also seems like yesterday. Some days breeze by, others are haunted by memories of the days leading to your death.

Grief is obviously a tough process, but it’s so interesting to see how the steps actually happen. I’m definitely in the angry stage right now. You were the best grandmother a girl could ask for–my life is full of incredible memories of you and grandpa making every effort to be a part of our lives. I have two other grandmothers in my life, neither of which make a sixteenth of the effort that you did. They don’t reach out, try to get to know me or try be a part of my life. I don’t wish anything bad upon them, and I know this sounds horrible and will be taken the wrong way, but it makes me SO angry knowing that the person who called me every day and was at my birthday parties and was my best friend had to leave, and others don’t even try.

I miss you. I miss our phone conversations and your open door policy that allowed me to always have a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

When something new happens in my life, I am constantly picking up my phone to call you so I can tell you about it. I need some sort of a connection, I need to feel something and I need a way back to you. So here it is–I created this blog to write you letters. I know you’ll never read them, or maybe you somehow will.

A lot has happened in 143 days, and a lot will happen during the rest of my life. I need a way to connect with you, so hi.

Love and miss you,
Jess